I really cannot understand this whole thing.  It is very painful and really has messed up my life as well.  Yes, I know you are the one getting a divorce but what about me?  I don’t have any say in this yet you tell me to “grow up” and “be responsible”.  What will happen to our “family” as it used to be?  What will my friends think?  What about me??????

The teen years are a messed up time without all the crazy things going on between the two of you.  My hormones are out of control.  My friends are pulling me to do stuff you wouldn’t believe (and I likely won’t tell you, either).  The pressure at school is off the scale.  And now this!

You may see times when I pull back and don’t want to talk about anything, especially this divorce thing.

• What I need is for you to just give me some space for a while to figure out what is going on in my head and in our family.  I’ll open up eventually if you don’t push too hard.

You may see me seem to become a “problem kid” in school or public.  I’m not really a problem kid, just a kid with a problem.

• What I need is for you to be here for me and love me unconditionally.

You may see me dump on you and rage out of control even though we both know you are the victim, just like me.

• What I need is for you to not fly back at me but to try to understand my pain and that I feel comfortable doing this to you because I know you love me and won’t get back in my face.

You may see times when I act like a little kid again.  After all, life was simpler then and there was none of this divorce mess. Likely I am slipping back to a safe zone in my head to help me over the immediate pain.

• What I need is for you to try to be patient and understanding with me.  However, if I do wrong stuff, yes, I should be punished. (Did I actually say that?).  Consistency in your love and discipline is even more important now with everything else in turmoil.

You may see me want to run away from home and I may even try it.  After all, it is a mess here right now and what security or hope for improvement can I see?

• What I need is for you to show me something to stay here for, and not the “just because I said so” routine.  Tell me and show me you both will always love me and are working toward a better future for this new family.

You may see me avoid any serious relationship with what you call “a significant other”.  Why should I even try?  You two seemed to fail at it and I thought you had it all together.

• What I need is for you to help me see how this marriage thing really can work.  Show me good examples.  Show me why it didn’t work with you and how I can avoid the same mistakes.  Life is not too sweet now and I need a better picture to hang on the wall in my head.

You may hear me say I hate you.  I really don’t.  You are the parent who is supposed to “make it all better”.  Problem is, you aren’t and can’t right now.  What I mean is I hate what is going on in my life and the relationships with each of you.

• What I need from you is to trust that I’ll get over it in time if you continue to love me for what I am.

You may hear me say I don’t want to live in your house anymore.  This is not MY home.  My home was one where I had two parents.  What I mean is I don’t know what I want out of my life now since the past pattern has changed.

• What I need from BOTH of you is to show me how I can have two homes filled with love and security (and not just stuff).

You may hear me say (over and over again) that I am sorry for causing the problems and making the two of you get divorced.  What I mean is that I usually get punished for doing something bad and this really feels like a punishment!

• What I need from you is to reassure me over and over again that it is not my fault!  This divorce was between the two of you and I did not cause it and could not have stopped it.  I really don’t need that load of guilt for the rest of my life.

You may hear me say I want to spend time with just one of you..  It is not because I love them more than you, I just want to.

• What I need from you is to not feel guilty or make me feel guilty over that.  After all, they are still my parent, aren’t they?

You may hear me say “I love you” to my other parent.  It is still OK to love them just like I have always done, isn’t it?  Just because you chose to not live with them or just because you say you can’t love them doesn’t mean I have to stop loving them.

• What I need from you is the support and assurance that they still love me and that you still love me, without trying to make me feel badly for trying to keep a relationship with both parents.  I really NEED to have a good model of what parents are supposed to be like so I can be like that.

You may hear me question why you are dating someone else already.  After all, they are NOT my parent and will never be my parent.  What I mean is that no one can replace the other parent.  They may not be perfect but are still my parent.

What I need from you is to be patient and slow in the dating process and don’t force me to share your feelings.  They are not my feelings.

Through it all, I am still your teenager and all that stuff that goes with this age is part of me along with all the stuff which spills over from your divorce.  Please help me; hold me near; really listen to me when I share my feelings and frustrations; and above all, continue to love me unconditionally.

Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV) “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

John 13:35 (NKJV) “By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Please consider our sincere offer to listen, talk, and share concerns about the future as well as an opportunity for Bible study together at any time.

The Divorce Recovery Class meets each Wednesday at 7:00 to provide ongoing guidance and support for anyone going through a divorce.  Family and friends are welcome to attend to provide better support.

Classes for children of all ages are offered at the same time.  Special classes for teens needing to talk further about these issues are offered as well.

For more information please contact us:
Killen Church of Christ
1560 Hwy 72E.
Killen, AL 35645
Phone 256-757-2918
kchurchofchrist@bellsouth.net